The Facts Have Never Been More Clear

Anonymous Does Literature

Easter Pr0n!

You dirty dirty girl.

I'm Pretty Sure Don was Asking about This Just the Other Day

~BASS PLAYER OFFENSES~

NAME OF OFFENDER - ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE - _____________________________

MUSICAL OFFENSES FINE

[ ]Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ]Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ]Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ]Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ]Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ]Asking for "E" tuning note $25
[ ]Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
[ ]Playing written-out walking line $50
[ ]Failure to play written walking line $75
[ ]Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
[ ]Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
[ ]Playing eighth notes $5 each
[ ]Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[ ]Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ]Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ]Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ]Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ]Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
[ ]Following drummer's tempo $250
[ ]Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS

[ ]Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ]Playing audibly $25
[ ]Faking changes $25
[ ]Slapping $150
[ ]Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ]Excessive sweating $25
[ ]Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ]Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ]Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ]Taking second chorus $100
[ ]Playing solo arco $400
[ ]Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ]Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
[ ]Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS

[ ]Checking hair between tunes $15
[ ]Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ]Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ]Playing with a pick $50
[ ]Tuning during ballad $30
[ ]Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ]Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[ ]Attempting last word on final chord $50
[ ]Achieving last word on final chord $100
[ ]Long gliss down to final note $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC

[ ]Forgetting strap $10
[ ]Changing strings after every set $15
[ ]Using electric tuner $15
[ ]Setting up mic "just in case" $75
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ]Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on bass $150
[ ]Bringing fretless bass $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE

[ ]Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ]Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[ ]Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ]Quoting "Birdland" $25
[ ]Practicing scales during break $25
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ]Practicing $150
[ ]Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
[ ]Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $10

BASIC STUPIDITY

[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ]Continually asking "where are we?" $25
[ ]Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
[ ]Asking bone player where "1" is $50
[ ]Taking cellphone call during 4's $100

She's on a Roll

A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities.

First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: "Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!"

Then the drummer: "Lots of people showed up tonight...Great! we're going to make good money tonight"

Then the Keyboard player: "All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent...What a bunch of losers"

Finally, the Bass player: "C...G...C...G..."

Where Does She Find this Stuff?

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

Stephanie's Going to Kick Your Ass

And I'm going to help her.

Kick It, Kick It Good

Feeling late for the party, Anonymous? ALL the hot chix are doing it, so where the hell are you?

Perfect Pair

Yeah, I heard you complaining over on the BP blog. These would go really great with your pink camo hi-tops, which incidentally do feel so good on my shoulders in the morning.

It just seems like a lot of the problems Anonymous is struggling with have already been solved by SCIENCE. Let me know if I'm totally wrong about this.

Is the Writer's Strike Really Over?

Means I gotta get off my butt now and tell on Anonymous again.

Give me a minute.

I think she's still slutty, and I heard she was kickboxing with Stephanie, but no one will go kickboxing with me. Do I really smell that bad?

The Waiting is not the Hardest Part

The writers' strike sure is taking a toll on this blog. Will it ever end? Meanwhile, we immerse ourselves in kickboxing.

YEAH!

I hope everyone had a safe and sorry New Year's Eve!

Happy New Year, Anonymous!

It's Mandatory

Has Everyone Finished Figuring this Crap Out?

Math quiz

Sometimes I Can't Tell the Difference Between this Twelve Year Old and Anonymous

Can you?

What If

If I drink all this stuff, will it kill me or just remind me how *fun it is to get drunk?



*"fun"

The Confession

As the devoted éminence grise of this invisible, unknowable delight we call Anon, I offer my abject apology for failure to represent her best online interests these several long dark weeks. As our reader/love interest/nemesis/role model may be secretly aware, when not dressed as an elf and smelling of stale cigarettes I park my butt at a small desk in a corner and receive bad news. Sometimes I forget how fabulous these bloggers are and neglect them fully as if paralyzed at my computer. But I'm over that now and glad to post some sexy pictures of sexy elves, none of whom are me.

That Anonymous is One Sick Mo Fo

I Bet Anonymous Would Think These Were Really Funny If I Could Figure Out How to Forward Them to Her at Work

Who needs captions on a Friday anyway?

Halloween is Coming

Anonymous is ready.

Happy Tuesday

Say, How's the New Job?

A sample of what powerful corporate executives such as Anonymous do all day.

She Should Have Been an Interior Designer

She Means It This Time

The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on 'donating a mammogram' for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors /advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.

thebreastcancersite.com

I Wonder Why

As Stephanie suggested in comments, Anonymous thinks she's a big deal now because she "has" a personal trainer. No pain no gain is right, baby.

Happy Friday

Anonymous sent me this. Did she mean something by it?

Happy Thursday, Anonymous!

Maybe we're having coffee right now.

Anon's Joke of the Day (that you no doubt already got in a mass email)

That's My Boy...

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline company, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the Successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...What a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

He May Still Be Asleep on Your Couch

Rumor has it that advance sales of Brian Wilkie's debut solo album "All My Love" were so impressive that he is ALREADY busy at work on the second, "Riveted."

Look What Anonymous Got

Why don't we all go over to her house and set a spell?

Can't Stop the Cute

Happy Monday, Anonymous. Have a drink. You deserve it.